Teddy stood at the altar and watched his bride-to-be appear through the beveled double glass doors, the white satin train from her gown flowing out behind her like a sea of promises.

God, was she beautiful.

The sun peeked through ranks of magnolia trees surrounding the estate, bathing the bride and wedding guests who had gathered on the mansion’s wide second-floor balcony in sunlight. Teddy felt a lump in his throat as he watched his bride be led from the doorway down the carpeted aisle and past the collection of each of their closest families and friends. He watched his bride’s father, the man whom had initially voiced strong disapproval over their union, lead his own daughter the last few steps to the altar, where he gave her an appreciative smile before offering Teddy a tight nod of approval. The father then stood next to his wife in the front row of guests, opposite the aisle from Teddy’s family and friends.

Teddy, for all the anxiety he had suffered over the past year, breathed a sigh of relief. His future father-in-law had been the final hurdle he’d been forced to leap after a seemingly endless battery of skeptics had had their way with him. Are you sure you two are ready? Why the rush to start a family? He’d heard it all. But now, facing his bride-to-be, her soft cheeks glowing with happiness, Teddy forced those negative thoughts away. He was getting married. To the most beautiful and talented woman he had ever known. And nothing, sparing an act of God, would stop that.

The preacher bade the guests to sit, then recited his opening lines. At one point, he motioned to an usher to escort an elderly female guest to the altar. Teddy’s grandmother. Eighty-six years old and half-senile, the old bag had agreed (with a distant look in her rheumy eyes) to read from a prepared list Teddy had authored. A grand romantic gesture from a man who normally struggled at such things. Teddy had listed twenty-five attributes—one for each year of his fiancée’s life—that he appreciated most in her. He would have read the list himself, but after his sister suggested their grandmother read it instead, he agreed the effect would boost the romanticism threefold.

The old woman, aided by a walker, stopped next to the young couple. The preacher asked for the list, and Teddy dutifully dug into his front pocket and handed it to his grandmother. She patted him sweetly on the face, drawing a smattering of awww’s from those gathered.

Gripping the microphone in her vein-lined hand, she began to read the list.

“Jimmy and Mike getting the limo, picking me up at eight.”

For a moment, as Teddy looked dreamily into his grandmother’s eyes, he felt confused. He’d been positive he’d begun the list by stating his favorite thing about his fiancée—her laugh. Frowning, he considered that perhaps his grandmother had misread the line, or that maybe he’d jotted a special instruction in the margin in his haste and forgotten about it. But when she began to slowly read the second line— “Which of the strippers”– Teddy’s confusion turned into utter horror as he realized what must have happened. His list—the one he’d written for his grandmother to read—had somehow gotten mixed up with the slip of paper he and his groomsmen had passed around the night before at the bachelor party.

Ohgodhelpme.

“Would you bang?” his grandmother finished, elongating the last word and gazing adoringly into her grandson’s eyes.

Teddy’s world began to swim. His knees nearly buckled. He looked meekly into the first row of guests and caught the murderous scowl of his father-in-law-to-be.

“All of them!” the old woman exclaimed, reading the next line and clasping her hands together as if she’d just read a long-lost gospel.

A shriek came from somewhere near the back row of guests. People whispered to one another, clearing throats and adjusting neck ties. All Teddy could do was smile feebly as he felt the hardened gaze of his bride burn into the side of his face. He wanted very badly to rip the paper from his grandmother’s hands, but somehow he felt doing so would only increase his apparent guilt. Hoping against hope that she would stop this torture, that by some miracle she would suddenly announce that all of this had been a joke, he stood frozen. Sweat poured down his face and neck. The smell of his own fear came strong to his nose.

“Spank it, Teddy, spank it!” read his grandmother, and suddenly Teddy felt himself falling to the floor, striking it face-first as tiny black dots exploded in his eyes and pain coursed through his head. After someone had poured a glass of water over his head to help rouse him from his faint, Teddy removed the correct list from his pocket and cursed his luck. Beside him, seated on a chair, sat his bride with arms crossed and upper lip curled in both hate and disgust. She shook her head almost imperceptibly, as if warding away the reality that had descended upon what had begun as the most special day of her life.

From behind them came the old woman’s voice again, loud and clear over the microphone. She’d almost reached the end of Teddy’s bachelor party note.

“Bet your old lady can’t do that!” read his grandmother.

Teddy already knew what was coming next.

“Nope. But I bet her dad can, hahaha!”