FurloughChapter 1

Eddie Grassle leaned his bicycle against the One-Stop’s facade and walked inside, grateful to be out of the late afternoon Florida heat. He felt even more grateful for simply being free to come and go as he pleased. As he perused the aisles, searching for the two items he’d come for, he relished the feeling of the blowing air conditioning—a luxury he’d gone without for the better part of the past five years. Prison walls had ways of changing a person’s perspective. No longer did he have to lie on a metal bunk, staring at the peeling ceiling while listening to the collective groans of those imprisoned with him. No longer were watchful eyes upon him as he performed even the most basic of human functions. And finally gone was the near-constant slamming of doors, the clank of keys shutting him away for hours on end, like a specimen in a human zoo.

Three weeks of freedom was a nice start, but it hadn’t been enough time to keep from sometimes pinching himself just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

Eddie found the items he’d come here for—a small bottle of chocolate milk and two packages of Jolly Ranchers—and placed them on the counter. Both were things Clarissa had said the boy liked most. She’d told him that just after Eddie landed in prison, during her final visit. He remembered her voice trembling with hurt and rage as she gripped the phone receiver, her eyes tear-streaked and bloodshot through the inch-thick glass as she’d accused him, among other things, of not even knowing his own son’s favorite snacks. And Eddie had silently sat on the other side of the glass, feeling like an asshole as he watched her fight back more tears. Then in a torrent, the tears had come, and with a shout of years-old frustration she’d slammed home her receiver and hurried away.

Then again, it was easy to walk away from someone who had never truly been there at all.

The clerk’s voice broke Eddie’s daydream.

“Excuse me?” he asked, blinking.

“Would you like a bag?” the Hispanic clerk repeated in his heavy accent. He stood quite a bit shorter than Eddie’s six-foot-two frame, looking upward at him from behind the counter, offering an affable smile that suggested he’d become accustomed to customers like Eddie caught in the trappings of their own busy lives.

“Yes, please,” Eddie said, returning the clerk’s smile. He glanced at the electronic date displayed behind the counter—April 25, 2016—feeling amazed at how fast five years could fly by. He paid for his items and walked back out into the blazing late-April sun. Climbing onto his used ten-speed, he began pedaling toward his apartment, taking in the scenery around him. The sky seemed bluer than he remembered, the palm fronds lusher as they waved lazily at the air. Springwood, one of many small cities in this part of southwestern Florida, seemed like it had aged twice as fast as he had in the time he’d been away. The vehicles cruising down the roads looked different. Sleeker. Not as blocky as he remembered them being. Even the clothes people wore had changed. Businessmen no longer wore squared-off dress shoes. Young mothers pushing exercise baby strollers down the sidewalks had exchanged sweatpants for new Dri-fit material that clung a little more closely to the body. He took it all in, breathing air that no longer came stale and putrid from the combined smells of sixty grown men packed together in an area the size of the average family’s home. Three weeks since his prison counselor had arranged an apartment for him with the thousand dollars Eddie had saved over the last five years. Located two miles ahead in the worst area of town, the complex lay claim to shady characters and more than a few cockroaches; but none of that mattered, because he could walk up the stairway with its chipping railing and rickety stairs knowing he would fall asleep poor and half-hungry, but at least free.

He came to a street sign that read Humboldt and for a reason he didn’t quite understand, he turned suddenly onto it. Ten minutes later he stopped in front of a salmon-colored stucco home on the east end of town. Digging in his pocket, he uncrumpled a scrap of paper and double-checked the address before knocking on the door. Just five minutes to break the ice, he thought to himself. It might make the boy nervous going to the park with a total stranger. After detouring from his apartment, Eddie had felt confident on the way here. But now as he heard voices from inside, one of them an adult male, he considered hopping on his bike and riding away. He didn’t recall Clarissa having any male family members living locally. The thought of the voice belonging to someone romantically connected to her caused old feelings of jealousy to creep into him. He could just come back tomorrow as expected, he reasoned. Besides, that might give him more time to get used to the idea that when the door opened, he’d see another man standing in the place Eddie had always felt he should be.

But he’d hesitated too long. The door swung open to reveal a man in his early thirties with a prematurely receding hairline and a slight gut. Several inches shorter than Eddie, the man gave him a once-over before glancing past him toward the bicycle in the driveway. Confusion showed in his eyes before sudden understanding dawned in them. “You must be Eddie.”

Eddie extended his right hand. “Yes sir, I’m Liam’s dad.”

The man regarded Eddie’s offered hand but made no move to accept it. Just then, the door opened more fully and a woman appeared. Clarissa. Her dark brown hair sat tied back in a simple ponytail, and she wore a pair of cut-off shorts and an old t-shirt that hugged her shapely body. Seeing Eddie, and with annoyance flashing in her eyes, she whispered something into the man’s ear. The man gave Eddie another once-over, this one more disapproving than the first, before disappearing into the house. Clarissa stepped out onto the stoop, leaving the door cracked. When she turned to face him, her eyes burned into him. Eddie felt like he’d definitely made a mistake in stopping by unannounced.

“You’re not supposed to be here until tomorrow,” she said, keeping her voice low. “Do you know how something like this looks?”

Eddie looked into Clarissa’s eyes for the first time in almost five years, unable to believe it had been that long. Tilting his head, he gave her that same sidelong grin he’d given her so many times before, when she’d ultimately folded her anger away over one of his many transgressions, and allowed him to lead her into the bedroom where not long after her fists had gripped the bedsheets. He’d always been able to soften her frustration and anger with that grin; but when she responded this time by folding her arms across her chest and setting her mouth firmly in a line, he stood up straight and cleared his throat.

He motioned toward the door. “Who was that?”

“That,” Clarissa said, “was my fiancé. His name is Roger. He lives here, not that it’s any of your business.” She brushed a strand of hair from her face, agitation causing her cheeks and ears to flush red.

Eddie shook his head. “Your fiancé?”

“Yes, Eddie,” she snapped. “Did you expect me to sit around and twiddle my thumbs waiting for you to get out?”

He huffed. “I didn’t mean it like that. I guess I’m just surprised. He doesn’t seem like your type.”

She laughed a humorless little laugh. “Not my type? I suppose you consider my type men who take the fall for their best friend and get sent to prison just weeks before their son is due to be born.”

Eddie dropped his eyes to the concrete stoop. “Look, I thought I’d stop by on my way home and say a quick hello. Just so tomorrow wouldn’t be awkward for him. But you’re right, I should have called first to see if it was okay. And it isn’t my business who you’re dating.” He sighed, realizing for the first time how it must have felt to be in her shoes all those years. “It’s just that I’ve never seen you with anyone else before.”

“Eddie ten, Clarissa one,” she said with a hint of satisfaction in her voice. “And yes, you should have called ahead first. You’re putting me in a difficult position here, Eddie, and I don’t appreciate it.”

He sighed. “I guess I’m just excited to see him. I’ve had five years to think about what an idiot I’ve been.” He dug into the convenience store bag and showed her the chocolate milk and candy. “I brought him his favorites.”

Clarissa huffed. “I’m shocked you remembered.”

Eddie placed the items back in the bag and took a step closer to her. On reflex she stepped backward, her backside pushing the door slightly open. Flustered, she closed it to just a crack again. When she turned to meet his eyes, her expression betrayed some long and painful memory that until now had lain dormant.

“I want to be a part of his life, Clarissa. I know you’ve moved on, and I can’t blame you for that, but a boy needs his father and— ”

She raised a hand to cut him off. “You had a choice, Eddie, and you chose your friend over Liam and me. Life is about doing things right the first time. I used to sit and fantasize about you being able to go back in time and choose us. But I realized, you would just do the exact same thing. That made me feel like a fool, Eddie. I refused to lose you and myself at the same time.”

Eddie shook his head. It was as if his life, like a pot of soup, had been left to slowly simmer during his five years away, leaving nothing but a charred and inedible lump. Five years—nearly one-fifth of his life up to this point—and all he had to show for it was a bag of sweets he couldn’t even give to his son when he wanted to. Looking at the sky, he spied a hawk circling high above. He watched as it glided in the airstream like some graceful avian sentinel. As it disappeared into the clouds, Eddie felt his own insignificance fall over him like a shroud. He knew then he’d never get her back.

“You’re one hundred percent right,” he finally said. “I fucked up. I wish like hell I could go back and make it right.”

Despite being almost a foot shorter and seventy pounds lighter than Eddie, Clarissa had always shown a fiery spark that had more than made up for it. It had been what attracted him to her the most, more so even than her good looks. And if he hadn’t already known that he’d blown any chance with her, what she said next only confirmed the fact.

“It really doesn’t matter,” she said. “I’ve moved on. I raised Liam the best way I knew how, and I finally met someone who was willing to be there. You’re a passionate person, but your passion is unfocused. Jules is a perfect example. You went to prison for him, for God’s sake. Even I knew those drugs weren’t yours.”

Eddie silently stared at the ground. He could sense what was coming next and didn’t want to see the look in her eyes when she said it.

“I made a promise to myself I’d never bring him to see you in that place, and I kept it. Know that if you ever choose anyone else over him again, especially Jules, you’ll lose him forever.”

Hearing this caused him to meet her gaze. “Just give me one chance,” he pleaded. “I won’t let you down again.”

She cemented her eyes onto him, consideration showing in her furrowed brow. After some time, she brushed away tears that burned fresh in her eyes and said, “I promised him he’d get to see you and I won’t go back on that. But you need to know I talked to a lawyer, and he said you’ll never get full visitation rights if I don’t agree to it.”

Outwardly, Eddie kept his expression even and nodded. But inwardly, he felt like doing backflips.

“Tomorrow, ten o’clock,” she said. “I work at one and need to drop Liam off at the sitter’s by noon. Don’t be late.”

“Okay, I won’t,” he promised, his heart racing. As he turned to leave, she called out to him.

“Eddie, wait. There’s something I’d like to say to you. I waited five years to say it and it’s important I finally get it out of my system.”

He turned back to face her, the smile on his face faltering a bit.

“After Liam was born and I was still in the hospital, I started bleeding that first night,” she said. “They checked me and said I’d have to have an emergency hysterectomy. I almost died. When I woke up the next day, I remember you called me from jail. It was a Sunday morning. I remember because there were church bells ringing somewhere close by. You asked how the baby was but you didn’t even think to ask about me. I hung up and told myself I’d never talk to you again. That I’d never let you see Liam. He was my angel, and since I’d never be able to have any more children, I wasn’t going to let you put a stain on the one I did have.” She drilled her eyes into him. “Don’t make me regret letting you see him, Eddie. Don’t make me feel like I did in that hospital room. Most of all, don’t ever let Liam down like that. If you aren’t serious about this, please just turn around and don’t look back.”

Eddie felt something lurch inside of him, like a piece of him had just broken free and had floated away into a hidden recess of himself. He realized that Clarissa meant every word. Remembering what she’d said earlier about undoing the past, he imagined stepping into a time machine right then and going back to the night he and Jules had been stopped by the police, when the cop had found the bags of dope in the glovebox. How Eddie had immediately claimed them as his, despite the fact he hadn’t known a thing about them. Eddie felt if he were able to undo that, he would see her smiling at him now, proud of her son’s father, instead of looking so skeptical. But he knew that wasn’t possible. No time machine existed. Even if it did, he’d probably find a way to fuck that up as well. The simple reality was he stood on the wrong side of the front door, and all the regret in the world would never change that. He wasn’t just a stranger to his son—he realized he barely knew even himself.

“I won’t let you down,” he managed, his voice seemingly not his own. “I don’t deserve it. Thank you for giving me a chance with him.”

“Don’t thank me, Eddie,” she said with a sigh. “I’m not doing this for you. And you’re right, you don’t deserve it.”

The sound of Roger’s raised voice came from somewhere inside the house. Clarissa sniffled. “I have to go,” she said. As she slipped through the door, a high-pitched giggle rose from a nearby room, and then there was nothing but a closed door and Eddie standing there on the stoop, his hand extended toward it. Toward the only important thing he had left in his life.

Tomorrow.